The following Lonely Hearts Club advert appeared in a local newspaper some time ago. An employee photocopied the reply below without anybody’s permission!
Charming, attractive Newry City girl with bubbly personality who is just past the first flush of youth and who is in love with the great outdoors seeks a gentleman of similar description, of independent means who has a good sense of humour and is generous to a fault. Apply: Box Number C4
Dear C4,
Ah you can’t fool me! I can read between the lines! I can tell you’re an outsize aul wan like myself! It’s the ‘bubbly personality’ that gives it away!
Good sense of humour, Eh? When have you met one who claimed to have a bad sense of humour? Still your advert made me laugh my false leg off!
A roly-poly gold-digger eh? Well, never mind, I’m one meself! We’ll go well together. You were mad for me!
I’m a sizable (!!) pig-farmer from Americam and when you hitch up with me you’ll get all the outdoors you want, what with keeping the troughs filled up with pigswill!
And that’s just the start of my generosity!
Brace yourself for long nights of squeaking springs and long days of squealing pigs!
It’s all in front of you – as the Bishop said to the well-endowed actress!
Yours in anxious anticipation,
Nicholas Hogg