There was an amadan one time lived wi’ he’s mother out near Crossmaglen and she wud send him the odd erran’ till the shops. She knowed he’d not remember unless he kept repeatin’ what she toul’ him.
She sent him this time to the butcher’s shop for liver for the dinner. She was lookin’ at the spuds and carrots in her cupboard and she said aloud,
‘It’d take the liver of an ox for that!’
He set off an’ the first thing he met was a man lying stocious drunk in the ditch with a bottle of whisky till he’s head.
‘It’d take the liver of an ox for that!’ said the amadan.
The drunk rose and gave him the great scoldin’.
‘But what should I say?’ asked the boy.
‘Your good health, Sir’, he said.
The fool went on till he met a man retchin’ by a river so bad it seemed his whole insides would come up.
‘Your good health, Sir’, says he. He got another severe tonguin’ and was toul’ instead to say,
‘I hope they never come up!’
The next he met on he’s travels was a man who was just restin’ after setting a few drills of priddies.
‘I hope they never come up!’ says the amadan.
He was raging. He hit him a clout wi’ he’s stick and toul’ him till say,
‘I hope there’ll be hundreds the year and more next!’
Well, fair enough, he remembered what till say. But the next he met was a crowd of people follying after a funeral.
‘I hope there’ll be hundreds the year and more next!’ he called out.
One man broke away from the cortege to scold him. He wus toul’ what he should say
‘I hope his soul is in heaven!’
Then he met a man who was hangin’ an oul’ dog from a rope over a bridge.
‘I hope his soul is in heaven!’ called out the fool.
The man gave him a whalin’ wi’ the end of the rope he was using. He informed him till say,
‘Just go ahead and hang the oul’ dog!’
The next he met was a bridal party goin’ past in horses and traps. She was a young girl but her groom was of advancing years. An’ as the bride and groom passed, he shouted,
‘Just go ahead and hang the oul’ dog!’
Of course he got another scolding. The jarvey took his whip to him and the groom joined in. ‘But what should I say?’ asked the fool.
‘Yous two make a right, happy-looking couple tilgether!’
The next he met was two men stuck fast in a sheugh by the side of the road. As he came along one eventually freed himself and struggled out.
‘Yous two make a right, happy-looking couple tilgether!’ offered the boy.
Yer man who was out bate him black and blue for his cheek. In future, what you’ll say, he toul’ him, is
‘The one’s out, may the other soon be out!’
He was near till the butcher’s shop now, but outside it wasn’t there a beggar man wi’ one eye – the other had been kicked out by the hooves o’ a horse – or mayb he got a blow from a swing-plough!
‘The one’s out, may the other soon be out!’ said the gassun.
Well, blind as he wus, the man gave him the best whalin’ of he’s life.
‘But what should I say?’ he asked.
‘Mind your own business!’ said the man.
He went into the shop and the butcher asked what he wanted.
‘Mind your own business!’ said the amadan.
‘Did yer Ma send ye down for somethin’?’ asked he again.
‘Mind your own business!’
The butcher lifted his chopping axe till him and the gassun ran for his life back home.
When his mother seen him coming with one hand as long as the other, she got a hoult o’ him and didn’t she take the tharn-ya outta he’s hide?’