Spotted in Hotel Toilet in
Fun Stuff
He’ll die later!
Apostle Freddie of the Apostolic Reform Church in Cradock, Eastern Cape addressed the large crowd on behalf of his friend and fellow-minister, Apostle Dennis.
‘He still fully intends to answer God’s call to join him in heaven’, he said. The crowd was obviously disappointed.
‘But his funeral has been rescheduled. All I can say now is that he drank a small amount of soup on Monday simply to dispel the stigma of suicide.’
Fifty eight year old Dennis had notably failed to die despite promising to do so publicly. He had invited the large crowd to see him die and be buried. A spokesperson for the Cradock funeral parlour – that had dug his grave and had expected to be burying him – explained that..
‘Dennis had a vision that his time on Earth was coming to an end. He originally predicted his death would occur on the 28th January so in December he went on a wild spending spree.
He didn’t die and now he can’t pay for all the things he bought. Yesterday he said he’d definitely stopped eating and would die today, but I saw him in a cafe, stuffing his face with fish and chips.
Dead or alive, he’s for our chute!”
Dick Shornoff
‘People always gotta be poking things where they don’t belong!’ Dick Shornoff griped. ‘I just know he’s gonna sue. His excuse might be worth the hearing, though.’
Shornoff ran a Gift Shop complex in a holiday village high in the Appalachians. He explained that his entire complex was littered with memorabilia of the Old West, flintlock rifles, wooden-barrel washtubs, animal skins and even bear-traps. He had mounted one of the latter on a rest-room wall.
Mandy gets the job!
Mr Peter Mandelson, Her Majesty’s Pro-Consul to McArthurland (formerly the
Silly Quiz Contestants
All of the following are real-life examples of answers given by contestants on British TV programmes such as ‘The Weakest Link‘ …
First, a puzzle for you: Just one number, written as a word, has its letters in alphabetic order: AND just one has its letters in reverse alphabetic order. What are they? Answers at the bottom of this page. Don’t look yet!
Agnes: Recovered
Dear Agnes,
We all hope you are well and fully recovered from your recent ordeal at the hands of the Health Service
Santa’s Elves Outsourced!
EveryBank Ltd
Hill Street
NEWRY
16 October 2004
Hill Street
NEWRY
16 October 2004
Dear Valued Customer,
We have been requested by a valued client – and an acquaintance of yours, an esteemed old gentlemen who goes by the name of Mr Santa Claus – to make it generally known in the Newry area that, due to the current economic difficulties that he like everyone else is facing, he has recently had to move his industrial and administrative operations overseas.
Fortunately and co-incidentally for us, his industrial elves are now based in Bacca Beyon, The Keys, Dacca Peninsula, Punjab, where, you will recall, Everybank also has relocated. He has requested – and we are delighted to comply – that we now handle much of his administrative work in this region.
This letter is designed to remind you to advise your children, when writing their letter to Santa this year, to address it to
Mr Santa Claus, c/o Everybank Commercial Desk (Overseas Division), Taj Mahal Industrial Park, Bacca Beyon, The Keys, Dacca, Punjab.
Mr Claus regrets if this employment opportunity outsourcing causes distress to his former local employees. We would like to add our concerns but also to point out that if divine aid is applied for, our religious services desk is still operational. For a short period only, discount rates will apply to former employees.
Looking forward in anticipation to your continued support.
May your god go with you
Fatcat Prophets [Managing Director]
P.S. You will, I know, appreciate that Christianity is very much a minority religion in India, so Mr Claus’s new elfin workforce may not be able to meet artificial deadlines like 25 December – certainly not their saviour’s birth day. If children’s toys do not arrive until well into the New Year, we are confident you will show patience.
Johanna Legova
Dear Agnes,
It was my wife’s idea in the first place that we hire a cheap immigrant female worker to help her with the chores.
Agnes: Blue Sky Practitioner
Dear Agnes,
I might have applied for one hundred jobs without success and I’m beginning to lose hope of ever being gainfully employed. That is the reason I am applying for anything and everything. I need your help to understand just what might be expected of me should I be successful with my latest application.
The successful candidate, the advertisement read, will become a ‘Blue Sky Practitioner and will be required to undertake horizon scanning and futures research. He/she will create curve leverage systems for rapid diffusion, helping customers to articulate and understand order and chaos. Workstreams will adhere to a generic cycle based on a hypothesis-driven creative problem-solving process to initiate improvement products’.
I’m a good girl, I am, and I am not so desperate for work as to risk my chastity or reputation. Does this sound like a job that you would encourage your own daughter to accept?
Yours truly,
Verity White
Dear Verity,
It is a good rule-of-thumb that any job advertisement that is couched in meaningless, linguistic nonsense such as this requires very little indeed from the ‘Practitioner’ bar the ability to learn to talk b******t!
(Sorry for that temporary lapse. I appreciate with your upbringing you have probably never heard anyone speak so, or write thus. You quickly will, as soon as you get your first job!).
I suspect you would merely be expected like the farmer, to be ‘out standing in his own field’ .. to scan the skies, day and night for who knows what? But with who knows whom, and where, and under what circumstances, might be the more appropriate questions to ask. It is probably a task for the amateur astronomer, in search of incoming meteors or comets that might collide with Earth in the distant future. If so, and you were successful in your application, you could make it up as you go along, for there’s no one in the position to contradict you.
On the other hand, if this is a bone fide position and well-remunerated, you can be certain it was created with someone else in mind than you.
Go ahead to the interview but carry one of those anti-personnel sprays (Mace) for fear of attack. Use it anyway if your application is refused! It will serve them right for being obtuse in their intent!
Agnes Dayee