Newry News and Irish Fun
Have I become paranoiac or are they really out to get me?
I’m talking about boy-racers constantly nudging at my rear bumper now impatiently veering to the left, now to the right, in a desperate effort to negotiate this exasperating road obstruction. And I’m already close to the maximum speed limit!
Dear Agnes,
My grand-daughter’s usual childminder will be unavailable for two weeks from Monday next (winter Caribbean holiday, apparently, with her fancy-man – or whatever name they put nowadays to these reprobates!) and I have been designated to ferry young Penelope to and from school.
I love it when the super-rich who control our destinies get really stuck into one another. Our Administrator despises Microsoft and empathises with the following – though he’d like to replace the general references to computers (actually Gates’s Microsoft in this context); he uses the rival and better Linex system.
But I also look down and see men in their saloon cars picking their noses when they think no one is watching: I see litter being freely dispensed through the open windows of these little cars. I see bad driving. And I see jealousy towards those of us fortunate enough to drive these modern vehicles.
I say ‘we’ for I’m certain you too are a ‘People Carrier’ woman!
Dear Agnes,
I’m a blunt man and I’ll come straight to the point! You, it’s said, have a finger in every pie and you know how to grease the wheels of government! Can you put some suitable award in my direction? I mean, surely I deserve to be decorated for my community and charitable efforts?
In the early hours of last Tuesday a major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Lurgan with its epicentre in Kilwilkee Estate. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “fukinell”.
The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt-out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.
Dissie FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in their district. One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning.”
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Benedictine Wine and IrnBrew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
Red stilettos and Kenco Millicano coffee
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark or Poundshops.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Guinness.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine.
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**BREAKING NEWS**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut…
“Where are you bleeding from?” they asked.
“Tannaghmore,” said the girl, “wot’s that gotta do wi you?”
Please don’t forward this to anyone living in Lurgan –
– oh, sod it!
they won’t be able to read it, anyway.
Russia’s richest man, an oil baron, has been given a jail sentence for tax evasion. In America today, he’d have received oil concessions in Alaska. He is reputed to have siphoned $1b of taxpayers’ money. Asked to comment, a Dublin crime boss, speaking from his headquarters in Merrion Square dismissed this as ‘loose change’.
A few dozen people, mostly academics in the USA involved in the development of the project, have had a smart chip the size of a rice grain inserted subcutaneously.