In a long career of processing Business Start-Up applications, Sheila had never before handled one like this. The client contended that he was proposing to serve a long-neglected and highly put-upon section of the community, the persistent drunkard.
Fun Stuff
Independence Revoked!
Be advised that by decree of H M Government at
One, Two, Three nationals
We take political incorrectness to new extremes. The following One, Two, Three, lists are meant for fun and not designed to offend!
Wan Hung Loo
The Hol Ches Mingin Hospital disclaimed responsibility at once.
Indeed Matron seemed almost to gloat about the poor woman’s predicament.
She’s a humpy one!
There was a time when most weddings of these parts were
arranged and success depended mainly on the size of the dowry. Love matches then on’y had a chance if the young couple became ‘runaways’. But that’s another story.
There was a match made and the oul’ fella was going to give one hundred pounds of a dowry with his daughter!
One hundred pounds!!
Now that’s when one hundred pounds WAS one hundred pounds, I can tell ye!
But anyway, he says,
‘When you see her, you might not like her!’
‘And for why?’ says yer man.
‘Why do you think I wouldn’t like her?’
‘Well,’ he says, slowing down a bit,
‘I’m giving you one hundred pounds, along with her,
for she’s got a wee bit of a hump on her!’
‘Tell me’, says yer man,
‘You wouldn’t have one wi’ two humps on her, would ye?’
I’ll put horns on ye!
There was a man one time these parts, be the name of Sheepman. This was on account of he’s working for sheepmen in Camlough.
Sure he was all over the country and when he got home he was all the time drunk. The priest came up to him one night,
‘How about going home to yer wife and family?’ he shouted.
‘The next time I see you in this condition, I’ll put horns on ye!’
‘Ah sure, now Father, that wouldn’t do at all, at all.’ The Sheepman said.
‘The work would never be done!
Sure every time I’d pass, I’d be tearing the ar*e out of yer trousers!’
Rat on a string!
Even to this day, people in nationalist areas react to a passing foot patrol of soldiers (or police) by ignoring its existence. No reaction. If a patrol member attempts to draw attention by calling out, or passing the time of day, he receives no response. Even if there are ‘wolf-whistles’ directed at young females, the reaction is studied non-reaction.
Sleep in her own bed
A friend of one of my own offspring was a student in Belfast recently when his mother came to call, ‘just to make sure he was all right’. It was obvious at once that he was not living alone in the flat, as he had claimed.
The mass of female undergarments drying on the clothes-horse before the fire might have been enough to give the game away, but to make matters worse, the owner herself was present, in less than her full dress!
The mass of female undergarments drying on the clothes-horse before the fire might have been enough to give the game away, but to make matters worse, the owner herself was present, in less than her full dress!
A hurried explanation ensued that she was scarcely known to him, she was in fact staying for a few days because she was temporarily homeless, that there was no romantic attachment at all, indeed she was the girlfriend of a close friend and so on. The separate sleeping arrangements in two different bedrooms were carefully explained and shown to the mother.
Mum listened nodding sagely. A few days later the girl noted that a silver sugar-bowl, an heirloom of her mother’s, had disappeared on that day and no one else had been in the flat. She finally inveigled him to write a diplomatic note to his mother. The reply was swift, brief and to the point.
‘If she had been sleeping in her own bed, she’d have found the sugar-bowl before now.’
I know this mother. Believe me, that’s the least she’s capable of!