You may, if you like, substitute the term Ulster Scots in the article below and scarcely alter the meaning or effect.
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Jokes
Where is Mary?
On the campaign trail George W Bush calls into the primary school for a carefully orchestrated photo-opportunity. What could go wrong? They were not yet teenagers.
‘Would anyone like to ask me questions?’
‘I have two questions,’ said sweet little Mary, with an innocent smile.
‘Yes, petal, what are they?’ he smiles back benignly.
‘Why did we invade Iraq? And why are you President when you broke all your promises?’
Just then the break bell went and everyone filed out to the yard for morning recess. When they returned a short time later, Bush was back at the podium.
‘Does anyone have any questions for me now?’ he asks innocently.
‘I have four questions,’ says little Johnny at the back.
‘O.K.’, says Bush. ‘What are they?’
‘First, why did we invade Iraq? Second, why are you President when you broke all your promises?
Third, why did the recess bell go ten minutes early?
And last, where is Mary?’
The Cruellest Snip
I confess to scepticism over the need for these Assertiveness Courses.
[I assume you heard of the two nuns leaving the college? One turned to the other and remarked, ‘Mother Superior, aren’t these Self Assertion Classes just f***ing great?’].
Remember Bigus Dickus?
Father Foster was compiling a modern Latin Dictionary.
‘It may be defunct as a spoken language, but it’s still the official language of the Catholic Church,’ the good cleric asserted.
‘There are hundreds of modern terms that have no equivalent in Latin so I have compiled the ‘Lexicon Recentis Latinitatis’.
Vote Wyatt, She won’t be quiet!
A topical issue right now, elections, and there are many lessons for our legislators, administrators and indeed candidates from the story of Dorothy Wyatt, Councillor in St John’s, Newfoundland.
Flog a dead horse
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians passed on from generation to generation, and for that matter replicated in various guises in a host of other ancient cultures, advises as follows:
How Many?
Initially ‘How Many’ ?
1 7 W of the W
2 1001 A N
3 52 C in a D
4 9 P in the S S
5 88 P K
6 13 S on the A F
7 32 D at which W F
8 18 H on a G C
9 90 D in a R A
10 200 D for P G in M
11 3 B M (S H T R)
12 4 Q in a G
13 24 H in a D
14 1 W on a U
15 57 H V
16 11 P on a F T
17 29 D in F of a L Y
18 64 s on a C B
19 40 D and N of the G F
20 50 S in the U
21 12 in a D
22 9 P on a B T
23 60 S in a M
24 4 W on a C
25 2 P in a Q
Puzzles 1
Fun Corner
Hidden in the bureaucratic gobbledygook below are common proverbs and expressions. The answers are below.
Scintillate, scintillate, minor asteroid
Neophyte’s serendipity
Members of an avian species of similar plumage congregate en masse
Surveillance should precede saltation
Pulchritude possesses merely cutaneous profundity
Do not become lacrymose over precipitately discharged lacteal fluid
Avoidance of grime encrustations is contiguous to rectitude
The stylus is more potent than the claymore
Male cadavers yield no testimony
Efforts to indoctrinate innovative manoeuvres to superannuated canines must fail
ANSWERS
Twinkle, twinkle, little star : Beginners’ luck : Birds of a feather, flock together : Look before you leap : Beauty is only skin deep: Don’t cry over spilt milk : Cleanliness is next to godliness : The pen is mightier than the sword: Dead men tell no lies : You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
Agnes: SUV Drivers
Dear Agnes,
‘You see much more, from a four by four’, the slogan goes. How true!
From my elevated seat in my SUV, I see the great beauty of our countryside over the tops of the hedges.
But I also look down and see men in their saloon cars picking their noses when they think no one is watching: I see litter being freely dispensed through the open windows of these little cars. I see bad driving. And I see jealousy towards those of us fortunate enough to drive these modern vehicles.
You’re a woman of the world, Agnes! You know we choose SUVs not because they are a status symbol but because they are so versatile, safe, impregnable and… well… better!
I say ‘we’ for I’m certain you too are a ‘People Carrier’ woman!
Why must others always be so jealous?
Is there any answer?
Gladys Superior
Dear Gladys,
Are you that woman who spoke to her scrawny kid as she turned into the school car-park,
‘And now that we’re off-road, all I have to do is pull this lever and it becomes a 4-Wheel Drive?’?
The staff in that school are teaching the four-times tables differently now: 4 by 1 equals 4: 4 by 2 equals 8: 4 by 3 equals 12: 4 by 4 equals selfish, stuck-up, opinionated b***hes!
My readership may wish to know that SUV stands for Sports Utility Vehicle. No owner ever indulges in any sport, bar baiting other road-users. The furthest off-road these vehicles ever venture is the M&S car park.
Perhaps M&S is too ‘common’ for you?
How dare you imply that you have anything in common with me, you arrogant woman?!
Should I ever be misfortunate enough to encounter you on the public highway in my humble carriage, I shall do my utmost to run you off-road, where you belong!!
Agnes Dayee